Researchers at Binghamton University studied married couples who felt either supported by their spouses or not. In the latter group, the stress hormone, cortisol, was ever present in their saliva.
Another well-written, thought-provoking essay, one that has more resonance for me today than it would have last week at this time and makes me happy again for you, that you are in such a healthy, loving, and respectful relationship. Love is key. So is being able to respect each other, so you can listen without getting defensive. (Important, but I know from experience, not always easy.) Thanks for writing about this study. I'm curious now, how many of those people were anxious to begin with, even before marriage, and have always have high levels of cortisol, and how much worse were their levels after being in stressful marriages? (I'll go read it myself!)
You have been through so much. Thankfully you are happy now. Your writing resonates with me. I live with an unsupportive husband. It’s gotten worse over the years. I used to be able to pull myself up, and push on but not any longer. I’m sure my cortisol level is high. I don’t feel I can divorce him because for him, it comes from an abusive past with his parents that I knew nothing about until recently, after 41 years of marriage. I feel it’s not his fault . I wish I could find a therapist like you had. You raise so many important points, such pertinent information. I’m so thankful I bought your book Ladyparts and was introduced to you. Keep up the GREAT work. It’s so important.
Deborah! My mind is blown. This was like reading my mind in a parallel universe. I just turned 32 on Friday, I have two toddlers, and have been writing a pitch on stress and sex inspired by my own stress healing during relationship. My favorite quote was, “it is actually love, simply put, behind which we should be rallying.” 1000%! Thank you thank you for this piece! We’re in Carroll Gardens, so I’ll have to make it to Basin Gallery.
Wow. It's always great to gain a new titbit of science that confirms "no, it's not all in your head." I am overjoyed at all the science news coming out of late (which means the research has started in earnest on "women's problems" in the last decade, finally) about things like menopause, the brain, the nervous system, etc. I feel like my 60s are going to be an absolutely roaring, full of health phase of my life.
That part about LOVE –– yes, shouting here–– is just so foundational. A marriage without love is nothing. Last week my spouse (second time lucky) and I went to a jewelry designer to commission rings to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary this year. He jokes that we got married so that we would have a fixed date to celebrate, since we didn't notice any milestones like when we met (1982 sometime?), a first date, when we fell in love, etc. I honestly never thought I would spend so many years with one person, yet here we are. We have weathered many phases of frustration, including Not Feeling Supported. Still a struggle, but a very excellent pair therapist provided us with tools to explore and express ourselves. He is learning to open up more, including his own emotions; in the process I have learned that he sometimes feels I do not support him. (And I get it.) And by accessing his emotions, he ventures forth to support me more often. A work in progress, which it will remain to life's end. But we love each other, and that makes us work for it.
My best friend is on his third marriage, after two bad marriages. The difference is quite palpable. I've taken photos of him and wife #3 on multiple occasions, where they are just smiling into each others' eyes, oblivious to the photographer. We're not young anymore, and I just hope they have many happy years together.
The marriage was funny. they just went to the Justice of the Peace, without telling anyone they were going. We all got a photo of them, all smiles, with a piece of paper, written on it, "We eloped!"
Another well-written, thought-provoking essay, one that has more resonance for me today than it would have last week at this time and makes me happy again for you, that you are in such a healthy, loving, and respectful relationship. Love is key. So is being able to respect each other, so you can listen without getting defensive. (Important, but I know from experience, not always easy.) Thanks for writing about this study. I'm curious now, how many of those people were anxious to begin with, even before marriage, and have always have high levels of cortisol, and how much worse were their levels after being in stressful marriages? (I'll go read it myself!)
You have been through so much. Thankfully you are happy now. Your writing resonates with me. I live with an unsupportive husband. It’s gotten worse over the years. I used to be able to pull myself up, and push on but not any longer. I’m sure my cortisol level is high. I don’t feel I can divorce him because for him, it comes from an abusive past with his parents that I knew nothing about until recently, after 41 years of marriage. I feel it’s not his fault . I wish I could find a therapist like you had. You raise so many important points, such pertinent information. I’m so thankful I bought your book Ladyparts and was introduced to you. Keep up the GREAT work. It’s so important.
Where's a time machine? I would love it if you could send this essay to yourself and me 20 years ago.
Deborah! My mind is blown. This was like reading my mind in a parallel universe. I just turned 32 on Friday, I have two toddlers, and have been writing a pitch on stress and sex inspired by my own stress healing during relationship. My favorite quote was, “it is actually love, simply put, behind which we should be rallying.” 1000%! Thank you thank you for this piece! We’re in Carroll Gardens, so I’ll have to make it to Basin Gallery.
Wow. It's always great to gain a new titbit of science that confirms "no, it's not all in your head." I am overjoyed at all the science news coming out of late (which means the research has started in earnest on "women's problems" in the last decade, finally) about things like menopause, the brain, the nervous system, etc. I feel like my 60s are going to be an absolutely roaring, full of health phase of my life.
That part about LOVE –– yes, shouting here–– is just so foundational. A marriage without love is nothing. Last week my spouse (second time lucky) and I went to a jewelry designer to commission rings to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary this year. He jokes that we got married so that we would have a fixed date to celebrate, since we didn't notice any milestones like when we met (1982 sometime?), a first date, when we fell in love, etc. I honestly never thought I would spend so many years with one person, yet here we are. We have weathered many phases of frustration, including Not Feeling Supported. Still a struggle, but a very excellent pair therapist provided us with tools to explore and express ourselves. He is learning to open up more, including his own emotions; in the process I have learned that he sometimes feels I do not support him. (And I get it.) And by accessing his emotions, he ventures forth to support me more often. A work in progress, which it will remain to life's end. But we love each other, and that makes us work for it.
My best friend is on his third marriage, after two bad marriages. The difference is quite palpable. I've taken photos of him and wife #3 on multiple occasions, where they are just smiling into each others' eyes, oblivious to the photographer. We're not young anymore, and I just hope they have many happy years together.
The marriage was funny. they just went to the Justice of the Peace, without telling anyone they were going. We all got a photo of them, all smiles, with a piece of paper, written on it, "We eloped!"